“Every since my boyfriend and I got serious and moved in together last month, he’s been watching a ton of porn. Even though he’s never admitted to me that he watches it, he gets up 30-45 minutes early every morning to go online and usually forgets to clear his browser. I don’t want to make things worse by confronting him, but I’m starting to feel pretty lame. We are still having sex regularly, especially now that we share a bed, but it can’t be that good if he’s willing to sacrifice a full 45 minutes of sleep on a workday to get off watching porn. I’m definitely never going to look or act like a big-titted porn star. Should I even bother staying in this relationship? ”
The good news is that you’re not the only gal who has experienced discomfort and concern about her partner’s pornography consumption; if I had an apple for every otherwise sunny relationship marred by the dark and sinister specter of His Problem With Pornography, I would be able to feed Adonis an apple a day for all eternity.
That said, even with the little you’ve told me, your reasons for “feeling lame” about your partner’s porn consumption are, of course, uniquely yours, and so that’s where I suggest you start. What precisely about your guys’s early-morning cock crowing makes you so uncomfortable?
You say you’re still getting down together regularly. If nothing in your sex life has changed (or the changes have been positive), then don’t fret: your dude just enjoys watching porn and wanking off first thing every morning. Maybe he’s clearing his head, gearing up for the daily grind, or perhaps even appreciating the fact that the ritual presentation of his erect penis before your eyes the moment they flutter open in the morning may not be particularly considerate (or endearing). Oh, and please don’t take his private-times too personally, SNAPS. Your dude almost certainly wakes up at the same time every single morning with a raging hard-on.
Lots of men do. The average adult male’s testosterone levels are at their highest between 4 a.m. and 8 a.m. When a healthy mammal’s testosterone levels are high, regardless of sexual identity, preference, gender, or even species, there’s no way around it: We. Get. Horny. (Yes, SNAPS, you and I are testosterone-driven sex fiends, too. You may have a bit more in common with your man than you think.)
SNAPS, a porno (or webcam, or video clip, or magazine, or blow-up doll, or Carl’s Jr. commercial on repeat on Youtube, etc.) cannot compete with you. It cannot even try. Do not try to compete with it–especially when it’s not posing any real threat to you.
Porn is all fantasy, and fantasies are fun and carefree and come-as-you-please and generally don’t have the same expectations–or lovability, or capacity for joy, trust, or intimacy–that people do. And that’s exactly the way it should be. We all have a right to our fantasies, and we all have a right to pleasure ourselves in private.
I suggest that instead of tearing yourself down because your man has healthy masturbatory habits, you reverse the equation and pay more attention to yours, SNAPS. Getting down in private (or semi-private: I enjoy a good airport bathroom stall every now and then) will do the same thing for you it does for your guy: make you feel good, relieve some stress, and familiarize you with your own body. Knowing how to make yourself come in all kinds of different and creative ways pays off, whether you’re solo or feel like playing nicely (naughtily?) with another.
I suspect, SNAPS, that you are not an avid consumer of pornography yourself. And if that’s a non-negotiable line you’ve drawn in the bedsheets, then you need to have a frank, forthcoming, honest, and non-accusatory conversation with your partner about what compromises you both can and can’t make in order for you both to be satisfied and comfortable in your relationship.
However, before you dismiss all porn–you may prefer “visual erotica”–out of hand, I must remind you of three basic truths about porn:
1. You do not have to watch anything featuring Ron Jeremy. Ever.
2. Porn is an ideal companion when wanking, crotch-diving, and panty-jamming.
2. Erotic films are not, in and of themselves, detrimental to sexual partnerships.
In fact, bringing porno/visual erotica into the bedroom can make sex a lot hotter (and more intimate) for everyone, including you, SNAPS. Lots of women feel like porn just isn’t “for” them–it doesn’t feature women who look or act like them, it’s not directed by or marketed toward them, it’s shot from a masculine perspective, et al, ad finitum. And there’s some legitimacy to that claim: or, more accurately, there used to be, back before the advent of that nifty new game-changer: the Internet.
Plenty of women are producing, directing, and starring in realistic (i.e., Bodies By Nature, not By Barbie) erotic films these days, SNAPS. And lots of men in the industry have realized that it’s silly to continue neglecting the tremendous return inherent to production and distribution of consumer goods that reflect (and appeal to) the broadest possible segment of the human population.
One of the resultant wonders is a hot-sex essential whose value I cannot overstate: the top-quality, cheese-free, visually alluring, and wonderfully multi-purposed instructional erotic video. Yes, I mean it: I suggest that you refrain from dismissing all visual erotica until you have at least explored the genre, and I think you should start with an instructional film–right here, right now. While you are thinking about sex and reading a post from the goddess-in-residence at the best (and least costly) online sex emporium.
In fact, I think you should go ahead and have a dirty little brainstorm right now, SNAPS (no one is watching) and take note of the acts that take place in your first (and second, and third) fantaies. Then, be brave and invest immediately in at least one or two high-quality instructional/educational DVDs. (If you’re looking for an established and professional authority, I recommend the Alexander Institute, and not just because I love the name).
Not that I doubt your carnal creativity, but if you’re at a momentary loss, SNAPS, you may want to start with something simple, sexy, and fail-safe like Erotic Massage (The Touch of Love), Intimate Yoga for Couples, or The Better Sex Series. If it were me, I would take charge from the start and bring home The Fine Art of Cunnilingus or The G-Spot and Female Ejaculation, but whatever feels good for you is the absolute best choice you can make–you literally cannot go wrong.
Not that this should be your first concern, but your guy won’t care what kind of instructional erotica you’re watching–it will turn him on. A lot.
