Well, fuck, She thinks, as She walks away…
She walks away, knowing She can’t be the one to make it all better — because she is the one who made it hurt. It’s torture. She is not very good at being on this side of the pain.
She knows where She fell short — She wasn’t vulnerable, She couldn’t let him all the way in, She over-committed Herself and thought She was infallible, unbreakable. That’s a lie She tells Herself. It helps, sometimes. (It’s not helping now.)
He didn’t let Her down. That’s not why they are driving away from each other. It’s just– they didn’t plan to take this into a place of love. They didn’t plan to get where they are now… yet it happened. She is not sorry for loving him. She is sorry for not loving him better.
Stepping away from what once was and into what will be is heart wrenching, and necessary. He doesn’t understand, fully. But if She can’t live up to a standard of relationship She sets for Herself, She can’t continue to let him down by being so unavailable.
She is grateful for his ability to trust and be open and vulnerable… to lean into pain and process and help Her grow as a Domme and leader… to provide a place that is safe for Her to be wherever She is… to show up for Her with such tenderness and grace. She is grateful for the pieces of him that are so secret and incredibly beautiful — and wishes the world knew that love. She is grateful for the love that developed.
He is fighting the urge to put his walls back up again, to close his doors and put steel locks on them. He is trying to remember the good things and the ways in which he has grown. He is seeing Her as human, as fragile, as sometimes stupid. He is fighting the should haves and the what ifs and is trying to feel. On that last point, success: It hurts.
Love is an action– a verb– and we love by showing up for each other. She had not been able to love him the way he deserved.
He deserves someone who can be a lover all of his days. Someone who can answer the phone every time he calls, someone who can be a part of his various networks without anxiety of being outed, someone who can spend hours walking around with him and playing and laughing and being lighthearted. Someone without a time limit. He deserves someone for whom he is first.
As She drove away from him that night, Her body wreaked in sobs. Now, She is hurting, because She hurt him. Because she can’t be a comfort in healing, as She was for so long.
She can’t aftercare a separation.